"...WE ALL DO SOMETHING STUPID"
A bright summer afternoon casts shadows in the narrow hallways of the neat Edwardian terraced houses on Ilford Road in Newcastle. Beams of light pierce the musty blackness and floating dust is illuminated as if shards of atoms vibrating in mid-air.
Leslie Grantham emerges from the dingy light, bare floorboards creaking under his feet. Perhaps unsurprisingly, he looks a lot taller than he does on television.
Appearing to stare through me, he stretches out a hand and says, with a barely noticeable smirk: “So, you’re the journalist who wants to interview me, eh?”
That same subtle slyness, at first it’s impossible to tell if this is the notorious ‘Dirty Den’ or the actor who simply played the part.
Grantham is temporarily lodging while his theatre tour of Dad’s Army: Marches On visits Newcastle and has been upstairs relaxing in his attic bedroom ahead of the final evening performance.
“Newcastle is a great city”, he says finally. “It is a fantastic, vibrant city. But you don’t want to go out on your own too late at night because you just get knocked over by the swell of people having a good time.”
It must be odd to be Leslie Grantham. As acting careers go, those which start in prison drama groups don’t usually end with a name in lights, but then Leslie Grantham doesn’t really do ‘usually’.
As he sits solemnly in his crisp stone-washed jeans and blue polo shirt he comes across as a man who has not only been there and done that, but he’s worn the T-shirt for so long it wore out and ended up being cut up to make dusters.
Playing ‘Dirty’ Den Watts in Eastenders made Grantham perhaps the most watched soap star in Britain. Some 30million people watched the 1986 Christmas special where he served his on-screen wife divorce papers, and when he returned to the show in 2003 following a 15 year absence 17million tuned in.
Typically though, he is non-plussed about this. “Sometimes being a celebrity can be a bit of a pain in the arse, but if I’ve brought a bit of pleasure into someone’s life then hey, great.”
“If people want to call me ‘Dirty Den’, or ‘Watts’ or whatever, then it’s fine”, he says. Then he adds, perhaps aware of the preconceptions people who know his history have of him, “At least I’ve done something positive people will remember me for.”
Amidst his deadpan charm, it’s easy to forget that this man is a murderer. In 1966 Grantham was a 19-year-old soldier in Osnabrück, Germany, and during a botched robbery his gun went off and killed a taxi driver. Sentenced to life, he spent a decade in English prisons after a dishonorable discharge from the army.
It would be fair to say that the former star of Eastenders has had it pretty good considering, and he’s the first to admit it.
“I was just very lucky,” he says. “I don’t get big headed or anything, I just sort of think I am lucky. And as long as they pay my wages its fine.”
These days he almost seems to just play ‘Leslie Grantham’ and there is a noticeable element of his personality mirrored in the roles he gets, probably stemming from his most famous casting.
Grantham is a hugely popular panto villain and he positively revels in it. It’s as if he were born to be the panto bad guy. He has played a crook in The Bill and recently had a cameo role as a decidedly dodgy geezer in the slasher film Deadtime, due for release in 2011. Even his part in Dad’s Army is as Private Walker, the wheeler-dealer Cockney.
“I wouldn’t say I’m typecast, I have done other things,” he argues. “But you get to my age and you just want to have fun and play fun parts. Playing bad boys are the fun parts, trust me.”
Make no mistake, Grantham knows how lucky a boy he’s been. From getting his big break on Dr Who in 1984, to recovering from that cringe-worthy moment involving a webcam in an Eastenders’ dressing room.
“I’ve been very fortunate. I’ve been out of drama school for 25 years and I’ve always had work, but it could finish in September and then I’d be out of work and down the dole queue.”
For those that are unaware, Grantham left Eastenders under a cloud after being caught on a webcam in a very compromising situation.
While he maintains that he was set up in a tabloid sting, one cannot help but feel that the “stupid thing” that “everybody does” would have been far more painful if Jane, his wife of almost 30 years and mother to his three children, had been less forgiving.
“It was a set-up,” he exclaims. “I shouldn’t have gone down that road, but we all do something stupid.”
Typically resilient, Grantham has put that shameful incident behind him and remains defiant in its wake. He is now planning to make a TV drama out of his experience, aiming to highlight the behavior of the tabloids he detests.
“I’m working on a script about it,” he says.
“Because I’m touring I haven’t sat down and written too much, but I’ve got it all there. It won’t be a personal one, it won’t be about me, but there have been several guys who have been caught up in tabloid stings over the years and I want to explore the culture and consequences of that.”
In this light, he is scathing of the way British culture, epitomized by television, has headed of late.
“It’s going to be a drama, but drama and comedy shouldn’t be separate. You watch American drama and it has comedy in it, but you watch British comedy and it doesn’t have any comedy in it.”
“British TV is just not very good at the moment. It’s full of reality television and is celebrity led. It is style over content rather than content over style, and the only one who loses out is the audience” he says.
“They’re being told what to watch and because they watch it all the time they think ‘oh yeah, that’s what I want to watch’.”
This is a problem he sees in his old haunt, Albert Square. “It was great in those days, we were doing brilliant scripts written by two brilliant people and we were only doing two episodes a week.”
“Now they’re doing four episodes a week I think the audience get cheated because it becomes dilutes and there’s nothing for them to rush home for because every story line comes around every four or five weeks.”
Sometimes Grantham is so dry you feel you can actually see him crinkling and cracking as water evaporates from his pores. It’s a wicked sense of humor that masquerades as cynicism.
“My dad used to have a saying: ‘if you offer a starving man dog poo often enough, eventually he’ll eat it’.”
For this reason, he promises he won’t be coming to a reality television screen near you any time soon.
“I keep turning down the jungle, I just couldn’t do it. Or Big Brother. I couldn’t be doing it. I’d be the only person I’d know wouldn’t I?”
His take-it-as-it-comes attitude is refreshing in the age of bargain-bin celebrity. “I’ve been offered it every year since the first one. I keep saying no, and they keep offering me more money, an extraordinary amount of money, but I just couldn’t do it.”
Then, in that sardonic tone again, he says: “I’d probably end up throwing half of ‘em, including Ant and Dec, in with the crocodiles. That would make good television though wouldn’t it? ‘Come Dine With Me on Ant and Dec’.”
Sunday, 19 September 2010
Monday, 30 August 2010
Drunken Logic...
Hooray. Scotland have announced their plans to create a minimum price per unit of alcohol to try and curb the harmful effects of binge-drinking. Is it just me, or is this just one more example of the ridiculous approach UK governments have to alcohol?
I get the logic. Every weekend A&E departments up and down the country are overrun with alcohol-related injuries and police cells overcrowded with alcohol-related crimes. Brits just don't seem to understand how to have a drink without going mental and drinking themselves to death. Something simply must be done to put a dampener on this. And obviously increasing the price of alcohol means that alcoholics people can't afford as much booze so won't be able to get as drunk while alcoholics' livers will survive a few years more.
Wait a second. If a bottle of scotch is going to cost £4 more, surely that just means your average street-corner wino is going to have £4 less to spend on food. You know, that stuff essential to living that contains the nutrition bodies needs to continue fighting the against the vagaries of alcoholism. Counter-productive much? People aren't going to drink less because booze costs more, they're just going to have less money to spend on other things and be more likely to resort to crime to get it. Duh!
The British attitude to alcohol has gone mad. Instead of sensible and measured discussion, stricter and stricter laws and policies are being introduced in an attempt to pour water on the fire...
Three women walk into a supermarket to buy wine and some flowers for a friend's birthday.
The check-out girl says: "Do you have any ID?".
Two of the girls say: "Yeah, we're 27, here it is."
The checkout-girl says: "I'm sorry but I can't serve you alcohol because your other quite-clearly also 27-year-old friend, who isn't even buying the wine, doesn't have any ID with her. Bring your passport next time."
The bad joke above happened last weekend and illustrates just how crazily alcohol is treated in the UK. Three adult females on their way to a friend's house cannot buy wine and flowers because ultimately the shop are scared they could end up with a whopping fine. Does this mean if I take my six-year-old into a shop I can't buy booze because I might be buying it for him? It's exactly the same.
Civil liberties group the Manifesto Club just published a report calling for the abolition of the ridiculously strict ID policies which argues that over-zealous ID checking is 'infantilising' young adults. Their research showed most people in their late-twenties have been asked for ID more in the last two years than when they were 21. With the Tories plan to double the fine for selling alcohol to an under-age person to £20,000 this is only set to continue.
Instead of accepting that alcohol is a normal part of everyday adult life that requires a learned education from childhood, our policies are antagonising young adults while making alcohol inaccessible to children thereby giving it some undeserved mythical status that leads to a lack of understanding in later years.
Take a trip to France or Spain, and their alcohol legislation is way more relaxed than it is in the UK, yet they don't have the same sort of problems we have here. Ask someone in France what the legal age to buy alcohol is and they shrug and chuckle at the of there needing to be a legal age in the first place.
In the UK most youngsters first taste of booze comes after badgering someone outside the offy to go in and get them 2 litres of gut-rotting 'cider' that they drink while spinning round in circles down the park with their mates. Their second taste is when it all gets promptly brought back up all over the girl they were hoping to get lucky with.
In France the first taste is usually a small glass of nice red wine over dinner with their parents at the age of about 8. Notice the difference?
With a culture where quality is instilled it becomes more about drinking one or two glasses of a nice vintage as opposed to one or two litres of alcoholic chemicals. Quality versus quantity. Enjoyment versus inebriation. Naturally in this environment a responsible attitude to alcohol is fostered.
The whole thing is a fiasco. Local pubs - traditionally a safe environment for youngsters to get an education in alcohol while drinking shandies with their dad - are closing at a rate of knots because duty is so high they can't operate at a profit and there's no way they'd let a 16-year-old sit with their dad learning how to have a social drink. As a result all they can do is learn how to projectile vomit and get into fights after enjoying a bottle of cider down the park with their mates.
Cheap alcohol might be blamed for many of the problems and if people can get pissed on pocket-money then there is an issue there, but the real issue is surely the engendered culture caused by the irrationally strict policies and unreasonable duties. With alcohol prices constantly increasing an affordability gap has emerged that mirrors all of the problems caused by the usual wealth-related social divisions. There's a reason alcoholics drink bargain sherry, super-strength cider and special brew, and it's got nothing to do with the taste. Getting drunk as cheaply as possible will always occur, making booze cost a bit more won't change that, it will just re-jig the order of what is the cheapest to get drunk on.
This whole hysteria needs to stop. It has got to the stage where three women are not able to go into a supermarket and buy a bottle of wine, because one of them, a sodding accountant, hasn't thought to bring her passport with her.
I mean, what is this? Immigration control? We're talking about buying a bottle of wine, not an AK47.
I get the logic. Every weekend A&E departments up and down the country are overrun with alcohol-related injuries and police cells overcrowded with alcohol-related crimes. Brits just don't seem to understand how to have a drink without going mental and drinking themselves to death. Something simply must be done to put a dampener on this. And obviously increasing the price of alcohol means that alcoholics people can't afford as much booze so won't be able to get as drunk while alcoholics' livers will survive a few years more.
Wait a second. If a bottle of scotch is going to cost £4 more, surely that just means your average street-corner wino is going to have £4 less to spend on food. You know, that stuff essential to living that contains the nutrition bodies needs to continue fighting the against the vagaries of alcoholism. Counter-productive much? People aren't going to drink less because booze costs more, they're just going to have less money to spend on other things and be more likely to resort to crime to get it. Duh!
The British attitude to alcohol has gone mad. Instead of sensible and measured discussion, stricter and stricter laws and policies are being introduced in an attempt to pour water on the fire...
Three women walk into a supermarket to buy wine and some flowers for a friend's birthday.
The check-out girl says: "Do you have any ID?".
Two of the girls say: "Yeah, we're 27, here it is."
The checkout-girl says: "I'm sorry but I can't serve you alcohol because your other quite-clearly also 27-year-old friend, who isn't even buying the wine, doesn't have any ID with her. Bring your passport next time."
The bad joke above happened last weekend and illustrates just how crazily alcohol is treated in the UK. Three adult females on their way to a friend's house cannot buy wine and flowers because ultimately the shop are scared they could end up with a whopping fine. Does this mean if I take my six-year-old into a shop I can't buy booze because I might be buying it for him? It's exactly the same.
Civil liberties group the Manifesto Club just published a report calling for the abolition of the ridiculously strict ID policies which argues that over-zealous ID checking is 'infantilising' young adults. Their research showed most people in their late-twenties have been asked for ID more in the last two years than when they were 21. With the Tories plan to double the fine for selling alcohol to an under-age person to £20,000 this is only set to continue.
Instead of accepting that alcohol is a normal part of everyday adult life that requires a learned education from childhood, our policies are antagonising young adults while making alcohol inaccessible to children thereby giving it some undeserved mythical status that leads to a lack of understanding in later years.
Take a trip to France or Spain, and their alcohol legislation is way more relaxed than it is in the UK, yet they don't have the same sort of problems we have here. Ask someone in France what the legal age to buy alcohol is and they shrug and chuckle at the of there needing to be a legal age in the first place.
In the UK most youngsters first taste of booze comes after badgering someone outside the offy to go in and get them 2 litres of gut-rotting 'cider' that they drink while spinning round in circles down the park with their mates. Their second taste is when it all gets promptly brought back up all over the girl they were hoping to get lucky with.
In France the first taste is usually a small glass of nice red wine over dinner with their parents at the age of about 8. Notice the difference?
With a culture where quality is instilled it becomes more about drinking one or two glasses of a nice vintage as opposed to one or two litres of alcoholic chemicals. Quality versus quantity. Enjoyment versus inebriation. Naturally in this environment a responsible attitude to alcohol is fostered.
The whole thing is a fiasco. Local pubs - traditionally a safe environment for youngsters to get an education in alcohol while drinking shandies with their dad - are closing at a rate of knots because duty is so high they can't operate at a profit and there's no way they'd let a 16-year-old sit with their dad learning how to have a social drink. As a result all they can do is learn how to projectile vomit and get into fights after enjoying a bottle of cider down the park with their mates.
Cheap alcohol might be blamed for many of the problems and if people can get pissed on pocket-money then there is an issue there, but the real issue is surely the engendered culture caused by the irrationally strict policies and unreasonable duties. With alcohol prices constantly increasing an affordability gap has emerged that mirrors all of the problems caused by the usual wealth-related social divisions. There's a reason alcoholics drink bargain sherry, super-strength cider and special brew, and it's got nothing to do with the taste. Getting drunk as cheaply as possible will always occur, making booze cost a bit more won't change that, it will just re-jig the order of what is the cheapest to get drunk on.
This whole hysteria needs to stop. It has got to the stage where three women are not able to go into a supermarket and buy a bottle of wine, because one of them, a sodding accountant, hasn't thought to bring her passport with her.
I mean, what is this? Immigration control? We're talking about buying a bottle of wine, not an AK47.
Thursday, 26 August 2010
Solving World Peace Just Got Easier...
A new brand of World Peacekeeper is in operation, but they're not endorsed by the UN. That much is obvious, they're Made in China for a start.
Spotted in Fenwicks - a large department store in central Newcastle with a toy floor that every parent in the city is acquainted with - these 'World Peacekeepers' come equipped to do way more than keep the peace.
Complete with bad-ass assault rifle, Rambo-esque hunting knife, 'real working parachute' and gas mask, this guy is prepared for any situation. Most probably one which involves killing enough innocent civilians until peace and order are restored by default.
With that kind of weaponry you certainly wouldn't be rushing to disagree with his notion of peace. He's not exactly Ghandi is he.
I mean, what the hell does he need a gas mask for?! Just in case the country he is trying to keep peace in, after parachuting in armed to the eyeballs, decides to go all Saddam. Hmm, fair point.
If that is the case though, he should be named 'US Marine Corps', not pissing 'peackeeper'. Perhaps he is actually a US Marine, only suffering from PTSD he has taken to calling himself a peacekeeper as a way of internally justifying his actions.
But apparently this wannabe-Action Man with a personality complex is suitable for kids aged 3+. Seriously, what parent in their right mind would buy it for their kid? Saying that, maybe none have. It was in the bargain bin with 50% off. At least he's cheap.
I just can't help but wonder what kind of message this sends to the kids playing with it about the world we live in? "Hey Barbie, look at me. I'm a peacekeeper. Check how big my gun is. Don't you dig my skinhead? I shoot people and make the world peaceful."
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Wake and Bake...
Waking up, rolling a joint, getting high. Hardly a recipe for a successful career, unless of course your career is a marijuana tester.
In some states in America they have legalised canabis for medicinal use, and with it brought a whole new channel of career choice for the dedicated pot-head.
CNN recently reported on a guy who does just this. He gets paid to get high, and then write reviews of the weed he's smoked. I dunno about you, but if I was smoking copious amounts of high grade ganja I think I'd probably struggle to write a cogent review of the product, but hey, I'm not being paid for it.
The danger is that you end up with an utterly ridiculous situation like this:
In some states in America they have legalised canabis for medicinal use, and with it brought a whole new channel of career choice for the dedicated pot-head.
CNN recently reported on a guy who does just this. He gets paid to get high, and then write reviews of the weed he's smoked. I dunno about you, but if I was smoking copious amounts of high grade ganja I think I'd probably struggle to write a cogent review of the product, but hey, I'm not being paid for it.
The danger is that you end up with an utterly ridiculous situation like this:
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Mind Over Matter...
So, it has finally happened.
No longer will you find yourself lying on the sofa, cursing that you need to make yourself stand-up to turn on the lights, close the curtains and find the TV remote.
A company called Emotiv Systems have developed a headset that can read your thoughts and then get a computer to do what you are thinking. Kind of like your hands, only cooler.
So far computers can only understand the direct inputs you give them, but with this piece of kit the whole realm of human interaction can be introduced into human-computer interaction. The software can intuitively respond to your thoughts, responding to your facial expressions and emotional experiences.
Just what you always wanted then yeah? A computer that judges you for being miserable and boring.
Ok, I confess, I do it a disservice. It could actually be really useful. We will soon be able to play computer games without needing to hold a controller in our hands and our on-screen avatars will smile when we smile. This is going to make emoticons a thing of the past. Man is saved!
No seriously, it does hold the potential to change the way we use computers, changing the world in the process. The possibilities are endless. People will be able to steer their electric wheelchairs using their mind. Doctors could perform highly delicate surgery using robots controlled by their brain…
Let’s just hope they don’t get distracted by the nurse’s cleavage and end up giving someone a boob job when they meant to remove their appendix.
At the moment the software is quite basic, allowing simple objects floating on a screen to be moved around using your brain. The potential is huge though, as long as we can avoid just using it for some weird virtual porn kind of thing.
No longer will you find yourself lying on the sofa, cursing that you need to make yourself stand-up to turn on the lights, close the curtains and find the TV remote.
A company called Emotiv Systems have developed a headset that can read your thoughts and then get a computer to do what you are thinking. Kind of like your hands, only cooler.
So far computers can only understand the direct inputs you give them, but with this piece of kit the whole realm of human interaction can be introduced into human-computer interaction. The software can intuitively respond to your thoughts, responding to your facial expressions and emotional experiences.
Just what you always wanted then yeah? A computer that judges you for being miserable and boring.
Ok, I confess, I do it a disservice. It could actually be really useful. We will soon be able to play computer games without needing to hold a controller in our hands and our on-screen avatars will smile when we smile. This is going to make emoticons a thing of the past. Man is saved!
No seriously, it does hold the potential to change the way we use computers, changing the world in the process. The possibilities are endless. People will be able to steer their electric wheelchairs using their mind. Doctors could perform highly delicate surgery using robots controlled by their brain…
Let’s just hope they don’t get distracted by the nurse’s cleavage and end up giving someone a boob job when they meant to remove their appendix.
At the moment the software is quite basic, allowing simple objects floating on a screen to be moved around using your brain. The potential is huge though, as long as we can avoid just using it for some weird virtual porn kind of thing.
Faces in Odd Places #1
Ever felt like all the faces around you have either had their personalities surgically removed, or they just never had one in the first place?
Whenever I'm in London this is my overwhelming emotion. While I sit on the tube scared that (a) a terrorist is going to try and blow me up, or (b) the police are going to mistake me for a terrorist and blow me up, I always feel that it would be nicer if the people I'm about to share my iminent death with would at least smile at me.
It was in this semi-delusional state that I noticed all around me there were faces looking at me, sometimes smiling, sometimes gurning, but never afraid to reveal their true emotions. In this vein, I'm giong to post photos whenever I see a friendly face that makes me smile...
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
That boy needs therapy...
The sheets were wet when I woke up; cold, damp and somewhat smelly. A bit like paper wrapped around a mould-injected blue cheese that’s been in the fridge too long. I had been dreaming a pretty standard Orwellian nightmare about Telescreens and the like, you know how it is. It was probably because of that article I had yesterday about how little machines can track Bluetooth devices wherever they go; three days ago I gave up battling the technophiles who ridiculed me whenever I pulled out my prehistoric mobile, and went and bought a new one.
But I couldn’t help feeling that this time I wasn’t just being a borderline-schizophrenic; I swear a CCTV camera had actually followed me yesterday. Then, crossing at the lights as I walked onto the next street, another one on the next corner panned around to take up the duty. To be fair, who could blame them for wanting to keep an eye on me? I definitely ticked all of the 'typical subversive' boxes: on his way to buy milk and eggs, with foisty morning breath, stylish bed hair (that no amount of ‘surf-look’ hair product would ever manage), and the mandatory Sunday morning brain-rot of a hangover. Definitely a threat to the system, better keep me under surveillance to make sure I don’t jump on a soap box outside the corner shop and start a suburban revolution.
So yeah, that night I had gone to bed worrying that the white van man who had left his Transit parked half on/half off the curb in direct view of my living room window wasn’t the painter-decorator his flaking sign suggested. It made far more sense for him to be a member of some Gestapo-type organisation paid for by a slush fund for tackling the binge-drinking renegades (well, the yearly increase in alcohol tax has got to be invested somewhere doesn’t it, and NHS billboard advertising is obviously dying on its arse, so why not?). Anyone who can have that much fun on a Saturday night with utter disregard for either their health, their bank balance or the feeling in their mushed up brain as Sunday begins to turn into Monday is definitely a danger to the well oiled status quo.
Ok, So, maybe I don’t entirely believe that, but it’s easy to think it could all be happening in secret after reading a couple of those dystopian novels on every A Level reading list. I mean, really, didn’t the school psychiatrist have the foresight to realise what reading Brave New World at the age of 16 was going to do to my cannabis-sedated mind?! Now I'm in my mid-twenties and I'm waking up in the middle of the night to find the sheets insisting on sticking to my back as if I’m a zombie trying to elude the shrink-wrap machine in the Undead Butchers. I think I need therapy.
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